Nervous

Nervous. That is all I have felt for nearly 2 weeks now. From the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment my mind finally lets me drift off to sleep.

I don’t particularly want to wake up because that awful feeling in my chest takes over almost immediately and my palms are clammy and honestly, I want nothing more than to not feel it anymore.

I lie in bed and I try to control my breathing and my heart literally skips a beat every other breath. Its like a small punch in my chest.

It’s paralyzing. A profound feeling, one so intense and all consuming that I cannot find the words to even describe.
It’s a feeling, an experience I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

I go for a run, come back & do some yoga and meditate, the nervousness is back within an hour.

I read, the nervousness does go away.

I watch TV, the nervousness doesn’t go away.

I look at my phone, I am nervous.

I am not Jade right now. I am nervous.

Where Do I Begin?

As I sat there on my bed earlier today, I had a million and one thoughts about how to start this blog; the things I would say and how to say them. But then the moment I saw the ‘Add title’ & ‘Start writing..’, for the first time in a long time my mind when blank, quiet and I had no idea what to say or write.
I had no inner monologue reciting all of the things I am thinking and want to say, she had disappeared for a change.

Where do I begin?
I suppose most people would say ‘at the start Jade, duh?’ and maybe that would make sense. To start at the beginning, the reasons why I am here, the reasons why I am the way that I am but I am not going to do that. Because that’s not me, because I don’t make sense. I am not measured or balanced, I am a little chaotic.
Despite being the queen of over thinking, sometimes I don’t think things through enough and sometimes that leads to me hurting people, like today. So that is where we start.

Today I made a mistake, I was insensitive. My anxiety and my insecurities made something that wasn’t about me, about me and in result I hurt someone that I cared about & really didn’t want to hurt unintentionally and now? Well, now I feel even worse than I have been feeling for the past week.

Dating someone new is hard. Dating someone new who you develop feelings for, for the first time in years is even harder. And dating someone new who you develop feelings for, for the first time in years when you suffer from anxiety relating to relationships is even harder.

For the last 2 months I have (or was, I’m not too sure anymore…) dating a guy who I began to really like. I found myself smiling at my phone when I saw he’d messaged me, I got excited and nervous when I was about to see him, I had butterflies, all of that soppy stuff.
Before him, I wasn’t that interested in wanting a relationship, I was happy single. I was thriving. I was strong.
At the start, I was cool, calm, collected. The sassy, sarcastic, confident self I had found and built over the last 2 and half years of being single after a difficult break up.

However, fast forward to telling my friends about him, a planned trip away (which lasted a day as we had to rush home because of an emergency) and after the first time we slept together, my guard began to fall, my emotions became stronger and the insecurities came rushing in.
I also began to not take care of myself the way I used to, I was slipping on the self-care, putting myself first routine without realizing because I become wrapped up in this new, exciting and hopeful romance.

It’s been proven that women typically create an attachment after sex, because despite all of the other things we have to deal with, Oxytocin, the chemical which promotes feelings of love and bonding and is released during or after sex is something we have in abundance. Lucky us!

The last week has been testing, communication has been limited and my insecurities and anxiety have taken over. And because of this, by being blinded by the crippling fear of abandonment, I ended up saying things and making it about me, when what he needed is time and space to deal with what he’s going through. He didn’t need me adding extra sh*t onto his already full plate. Subconsciously I knew that already, yet I still, STILL, said and did what I did because my inner child needed some kind of clarity.
Now I don’t know what’s going to happen and of course my anxiety is telling me the worst.

Some of us, when we meet someone new, tend to create an image of this person in our imagination. This image isn’t the real them. Its all of the qualities and things we desire from this person being projected from our subconscious mind. It’s all of the perfect things we want from a person. We over romanticize.
We tend to fall for the version of a person we have created in our minds rather than the person right in front of us.
We cannot be disappointed with someone when they do not live up to the unreal expectations we have created ourselves.

Introduction

For sometime, I have thought about writing a blog. Maybe, by writing my feelings, emotions, experiences and memories, it will help me deal with and navigate through this temporary experience we call Life.

This is my therapy (although I definitely think need to go to real therapy the more I continue on this journey).

So,

My name is Jade, I’m 26 and I don’t know what the f*ck I am doing.